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Message started by simba on Dec 14th, 2006 at 2:39pm

Title: Jokes...!
Post by simba on Dec 14th, 2006 at 2:39pm
Anyone got any good jokes? Lets add a bit of humour to the site!

Heres one(or an attempt at one):

An American, a Japanese man and an Irish man were all sitting in a sauna after a tiring day at the office. Suddenly, a beaper begins beaping from the American's wrist. The American looks at his wrist and begins tapping on it and stops the beaping. The Irish man and the Japanese man are somewhat confused as there is clearly nothing on his wrist. The American, noticing their confusion, explains that he has a built-in alarm on his wrist that is invisible. The Japanese man and the Irish man are impressed with this modern-day technology.
Then, a mobile phone ring tone blares out, coming directly from the Japanese man's hand. He puts his hand up to his ear and starts talking with his hand held against his ear. The American and the Irish man are bewildered as there is clearly no mobile phone in the Japanese man's hand. The Japanese man later explains that he has a built-in, state-of-the-art, mobile phone built into his palm.
The Irish man, feeling as though he is not as modern as the other men and disappointed that he has no "special gadgets" suddenly leaves the sauna. He comes back in with some toilet paper hanging from his backside. The other two men look at him in disgust and bewilderment. The irish man then exclaims:

"well would u look at that...looks like im receiving a fax!"

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by petrochelli on Dec 14th, 2006 at 6:01pm

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by simba on May 18th, 2007 at 3:37pm
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by simba on May 18th, 2007 at 3:38pm
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by simba on May 18th, 2007 at 3:40pm
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by simba on May 18th, 2007 at 3:44pm
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by simba on May 18th, 2007 at 3:46pm
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by simba on May 18th, 2007 at 3:48pm
Actual things said in court:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by grumpy on May 29th, 2007 at 10:23am
Hi Simba,
lawyer jokes are fine but you appear to be just copying them from an American website and they're old hat.

Sorry if you're offended as all lawyers need a humour pill now and again. keep up the good work of trying to bring some laughter into our lives but more originality please!!

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by simba on Jun 10th, 2007 at 10:59pm
Hi Grumpy,

Correct. They are copied! Like you said, just trying to add a bit of humour and laughter into our lives!  ::) ;D

Title: Re: Jokes...!
Post by Norse_mann on Jun 17th, 2007 at 8:21pm
Knock Knock
*who's there*
*bigish who*
Get a job

[drum roll &exit stage left]

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